“No Fats, Femmes, Asians.”

“You’re really cute for a (insert identity here).”

“Do you have a BBC?”

“Clean only, sorry just a preference.”

Many of us are very familiar with these profile handles and messages. Our favorite dating apps have detailed policies imploring users to not post hate speech and inflammatory language – unfortunately, we are still saturated with implicit and explicit stigma on the apps. Explicit stigma is easier to point out and report, but implicit bias is harder to point out and control. Bottomline, stigma and bias hurt, they chip away at our self esteem fueling a vicious cycle of logging onto the apps more frequently seeking approval from others. Research has even suggested stigma on dating apps contributes to increased prevalence of HIV among users. 

Some groups face stigma on the apps more than others. People of color, trans and gender non-conforming people, and people at the intersections of these identities face disproportionate stigma on dating apps from users. Users sometimes feel emboldened to relinquish their stigmatizing views and behaviors from behind a screen.

Stigma can also include fetishization. People of color, trans women, and people at the intersections of these identities face disproportionate stigmatization and fetishization. Fetishization is problematic because it reinforces stereotypes of a certain group. 

Unfortunately we can’t always control what others say or act. Until dating apps make firmer commitments to crack down on stigma by being more proactive about adding safety measures,  we can only control how we react to other’s verbal abuse. Here are some tips on how to deal with with stigma on the app: 

  • Ignore them. Turn the other cheek and remain on higher ground. Don’t give time and energy into other’s views and bad attitudes. Remember, you can’t change others’ views and behaviors. Ignoring abuse is a great strategy toward preserving your energy and your self esteem
  • Block them, especially once abuse becomes more pervasive. Blocking is also a safety strategy.
  • Report them if abuse becomes pervasive and consistent. Some people should not be able to access online communities for the safety of yourself and others. 
  • Set boundaries – if you choose to give this person energy, by making people know that certain speech will not be tolerated. You can even put your boundaries in your profile bio
  • Take a break. If the apps become overwhelming, logging off and regrouping with yourself can be a helpful strategy. 
  • Delete your account. If you need an extended break from the apps, feel free to delete your account. You can always create a new one if you feel like it. Also, some people find meeting people in person to be more organic.

If you have experienced stigma, you’re not alone and there are resources you can draw on to build or rebuild self-esteem and good mental health. If you think you’ve been unintentionally shaming others, we hope you will read the following with an open mind and consider how it may impact the people around you.

HIV Stigma & Other STIs

Sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) are common and many are completely treatable. Of course, HIV stigma is the most reported by app users but users can unintentionally harm each other in reference to all kinds of STIs. 

HIV stigma refers to negative attitudes towards and discrimination against people who are HIV-positive. It shows up on dating apps in a wide range of ways. Some users state a preference for “clean” partners, equating those who have or have had STIs like HIV with being dirty. Other users might explicitly state they simply won’t go on dates with people who are HIV-positive because they don’t want to become HIV-positive themselves. Sometimes, HIV stigma involves uninformed assumptions about HIV-positive people, like that they might be irresponsible or have had more partners or that they might be unhealthy. 

Other than being offensive and hurtful, HIV stigma is often based on outdated facts. Today, HIV-positive people taking medications can reduce the amount of the virus in their body and become undetectable. Undetectable people living with HIV can expect to live about as long as HIV-negative people, and it’s impossible for them to pass HIV to their partners. 

Not only is discrimination against HIV-positive people an offensive violation of their dignity, it also makes people less likely to communicate honestly and openly about their HIV status and can even reduce testing.

Sexual Racism

On dating apps, sexual racism refers to expressions of racial “preferences” in ways that are offensive. Put another way, sexual racism is the idea that someone’s  value as an intimate partner is only based on their racial or ethnic identity.

We’re all familiar with profiles that say “no fats, no femmes, no Asians,” but even profiles that say “seeking Black only” can offend and reduce people to a single fact about them – their race. 

Many users of color say that they know they have a smaller dating pool because the general standards of beauty are discriminatory, and they don’t need to be reminded or made to feel like a fetish when they’re just browsing an app. Being reduced to their race or a single body part can be dehumanizing and make users of color feel less welcome. 

It’s also noteworthy that marginalized people may sometimes only want to be with other people like them, especially for safety. Some Black users, for example, have noted that they may sometimes seek out only other Black users, partially because they don’t face the same anxieties about potential racism that way.

Biphobia

Longtime bi activist, Robyn Ochs, defines bisexuality for herself this way: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree.”

More and more people are coming out as bi, but that doesn’t mean they don’t still encounter biphobia on dating apps, and it’s sometimes even linked to sexual health. Bi users report hearing things like “bi guys are the ones spreading HIV to women” in addition to old lines like “bisexuality doesn’t exist,” “bi men are just on their way to being gay,” “bi women are just lying,” or “bi people are just greedy.” 

The truth is that sexuality is as diverse as any other aspect of our personhood, and creating an environment that allows everyone to be who they are and love who they love is essential for creating a happy, healthy community. 

  • If you are bi and you need mental health support, check out these resources.

Body Shaming

One of the ways being on a dating app is vulnerable is that many of us are putting our bodies out for others to decide whether they’re attracted to us or not. Body-based biases are one of the most painful things many dating app users endure. Whether it’s feeling or being fat, not feeling or being muscular “enough”, or having visible disabilities, there are many ways others make us feel self-conscious about ourselves or express their disgust about our bodies. 

All of this is bound up with why LGBTQ people are more likely to experience eating disorders and body image issues compared to straight, cis people. But the truth is that there’s no wrong way to have a body, and no matter what we look like, there are other people out there who will find us attractive. By creating an environment where everyone’s body is respected, we can create a happy, healthy community.

Transphobia and Femmephobia 

Transphobia and femmephobia are both examples of users enforcing old norms about gender on each other, whether that means gender identity or gender expression. 

One of the most common ways this manifests is when people write “no femmes” on their profile, which, of course, is unnecessary and hurtful to members of the community who are simply being themselves. 

Similarly, when cis users question why trans men, trans women, or non-binary people are in spaces they think are for gay cis men, they’re effectively saying which members of our community belong on the apps are good and which are bad, sometimes without meaning to. Plus, of course, they’re often missing the fact that many trans men are gay men just like any others!

But transphobia on dating apps isn’t just about exclusion. It can also manifest as invasive curiosity. Trans people are often asked inappropriate questions–about surgeries they may have had, about their birth names, or more general questions about being trans like why some people use they/them pronouns. Even when someone has the best of intentions, like to increase their awareness of trans issues, these constant questions can become a form of harassment.

If you find yourself wanting to ask a trans person a question, first ask yourself a question: is this something I would ask a cis person? For example, there are very few situations in which it’s appropriate to ask a cis person about their genitals so the same goes for trans people when it comes to surgeries. 

For many users who display transphobia or femmephobia on dating apps, the deeper source is their sense of anxiety and shame about their own identities. They may have grown up being told that the worst thing they can be is an effeminate sissy. But even realizing this doesn’t take away the hurt for someone encountering this kind of discrimination on an app today. 

Creating an online environment where everyone gets to be themselves is essential for creating a happy, healthy community. 

Ageism

Individual app users relate to the age of their potential partners in all different ways. Some users report seeking a boyfriend who is around their own age, while others say they do the opposite, even using apps like Daddyhunt specifically for finding partners from a different generation. No matter what someone is looking for, you can express it in a way that is kind and free of stigma and ageism.

Drugs & Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol can be a reality for many of us in our sex lives, and for many of us they are not. Just like with anything else, wanting to use drugs as part of hooking up may mean that two people aren’t the right match. 

Someone’s drug or alcohol use may be a deal breaker for you, but the way you express that to the other person matters. Shaming someone for their choices never helps anyone. 

It’s not our job to police anyone’s behavior. We all just want to find what we’re looking for. 

Clear, Kind Communication

Ghosting, or ending communication with a person suddenly and without a stated a reason, is common on dating apps, but this can leave many of us unsure what happened and even intensify feelings of inadequacy and fear of discrimination. By being honest and clear but kind and respectful, we can foster a healthier online community. 

It’s ok if someone isn’t a match for you. If you’re not sure how to let someone down without falling back on biased language, try these stock phrases:

  • “I don’t think we’re a match.”
  • “Thanks for reaching out, but I’m not feeling it.”
  • “It seems like we’re looking for different things. Wishing you the best in your search!”

If someone turns you down, it can be really hard. It can make us feel unworthy or even physically sick. It can bring up overarching anxieties like whether we’ll ever find love. But do your best not to take it as an indicator of anything that big, and lean on your friends if you need to. It’s important not to let these experiences rob you of your joy or dissuade you from continuing to keep communicating clearly and openly.

Queer and trans health  is about much more than sex, HIV, and STIs. Mental health is a key part of our health, though we don’t pay nearly as much attention to it as we should. Mental health can also affect our sexual health, and our drug use patterns – both positive and negative.If you’re concerned about your mental health, you’re not alone. Queer and trans people have an increased chance of developing mental health concerns – especially among people of color. Research shows that queer and trans people are more likely to experience depression and anxiety in comparison to straight and cisgender people.

Even though there’s been terrific progress in achieving equality, there’s still a long way to go. Queer and trans people face overwhelming obstacles ranging from homophobia, racism, stigma and discrimination can all have negative effects on not only our mental health, but our health overall.

Having people around you who care about you, both emotionally and practically, is key to your mental health. We understand that family dynamics around coming out can be tricky, and friends are sometimes impermanent. As queer people, we are fortunate to have a vast community to hold us when we need;try becoming more involved in the community by joining social, athletic, religious, and other groups. And certainly, a lot of people have made friends with people they’ve met on apps.

Mental health counseling and peer support groups that are sensitive to the needs of queer and trans people can be especially useful if you are coming to terms with your sexual orientation, gender identity, or are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems.

  • Many LGBTQ Community Centers around the country are an essential part of their local communities’ mental health support. Some provide specific mental health services in-house. Others maintain lists of providers who are accepting, and all of them provide a supportive space to go and meet people to reduce isolation. The national list of community centers can be found here. 
  • You can also search the LGBTQHealthcareDirectory.orgfor a list of providers in your area. For people of color, the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network can help you find a therapist who shares your racial and/or ethnic identity. It may take interviewing several of them to find one that’s right for you. Call ahead and ask if a provider you are considering has any LGBTQ patients.
  • If you are uncomfortable about coming out and being open with your provider, bring a trusted friend or family member with you to your appointment.

If you are dealing with an emergency, crisis, or are in danger/thinking of harming yourself, the following emergency lines can help:

StrongHearts Native Helpline is for Native American and Alaska Natives impacted by violence. Call or text (844) 762-8483, or chat here.

Resources:

Your privacy & emergency services involvement

  • Warmlines or help lines are resources you can call outside of an immediate crisis. They typically don’t involve emergency services without your consent.
  • Hotlines and crisis lines are typically set up to get you emergency support quickly. This means that law enforcement or other emergency services are called to check on you, often without your consent.
  • Ask staff members directly to understand their specific confidentiality policies, especially if they might call law enforcement or other emergency services without your consent.
  • If you are concerned about your digital privacy, calling is more private than using an Internet-based chat or text service.

Suicide, Self-Harm, Crisis

Intimate Partner Violence, Sexual Assault, Hate Crime/Violence

Black, Indigenous, People of Color (BIPOC)

Elders

  • SAGE LGBT Elder Hotline: Click the link vailable 24/7 and provides non-crisis support for older LGBTQ+ individuals and their caregivers.

Trans & Non-binary people

Youth

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