Consent is a personally motivated participation in sexual activity that is established through a genuine process mode of communication: verbal, non-verbal reciprocation, body language and cues. “Consensual” acts are defined by the participation of all individuals freely without coercion. In short it is a sober and enthusiastic “yes” before and during any activity.

You can read more about consent from Building Healthy Online Communities.

Consent is often given vocally through an affirmation. Consent can also be given with a physical cue for agreement which can vary across cultures. This might look like a head nod or hand signal that signifies a “yes”.

Alex and Ben just went on a great date and are headed back to Ben’s house for a drink. Alex wants to hook up with Ben and Ben is open to hooking up with Alex but neither have made a move yet. Once inside Ben’s house the two begin sipping their drink and talking more candidly about their sex lives. Alex makes a move on Ben and leans in for a kiss unprompted. Ben reels back and is off-put by the sudden gesture. Alex is confused, since they were speaking so openly about their sex lives and flirting all night.

Alex: What’s wrong? I thought you were into this.
Ben: I’m open to hooking up but I like to be asked first. I have some trauma around sex.
Alex: I apologize for not asking first before kissing you. Do you want to kiss?
Ben: Yes.

  • Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”
  • Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
  • Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time.
  • Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?”
  • Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.
  • Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”
  • Using physical or verbal cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level

Not true. Consent is fluid and can be given or revoked AT ANY TIME. You should ask for consent before engaging in a new activity. It is good practice in developing a culture of consent to “check-in” routinely during sex.

Picking up again with Alex and Ben. The two have been kissing for a while and Alex is hoping they will hook up. Alex starts moving his hand down to Ben’s crotch without asking, he remembers that Ben gave a “yes” earlier when he asked about hooking up. Ben stops Alex’s hand.

Ben: Hey, I don’t know if I am comfortable with hooking up tonight.
Alex: I thought you said you said you were?
Ben: No, I said yes to kissing.
Alex: Oh, I see. I’m sorry, kissing is fine.

We often don’t hear about domestic or intimate partner violence among queer and trans people; however, researchers believe that violence in our relationships happens at about the same rate as violence in heterosexual/cisgender relationships.

Similarly, our culture has thought of rape and sexual assault as something that largely affects cisgender girls and women, which can often make it difficult for cisgender men and trans people of any sexual orientation to figure out when to step forward and seek services for sexual assault.

Anyone can be assaulted, regardless of gender or other identities. The first thing to do is get to a safe place where there are people you trust if at all possible.

You do not have to report what happened to law enforcement, but it may be an option you consider depending on where you are. In many countries, there are assault support hotlines. Some are listed here along with online resources, but you may also need to search for services where you are specifically. If you are outside of your home country, it may also make sense to contact your local embassy to find supportive services.

Here is a list of International Rape Crisis Hotlines for support.

Find additional safety planning information here if you need to leave an abusive relationship.

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